When a Bell Rings, An Angel Barfs on His Wings

More from Lebowskifest '05 to come...

So, Does God Use Quickbooks or Excel?

Check out this vile spew of aggressive taking-the-Christ-out-of-Christian logic. Feel free to for-fucking-get this as soon as you're done.

Assuming Everyone Can Succeed...

Deferred Success, ya'll.

LONDON (Reuters) - The word "fail" should be banned from use in British classrooms and replaced with the phrase "deferred success" to avoid demoralizing pupils, a group of teachers has proposed.

Members of the Professional Association of Teachers (PAT) argue that telling pupils they have failed can put them off learning for life.

A spokesman for the group said it wanted to avoid labeling children. "We recognize that children do not necessarily achieve success first time," he said.

"But I recognize that we can't just strike a word from the dictionary," he said.

The PAT said it would debate the proposal at a conference next week.

Your Honor, I did not fail the breathalyzer. I was merely entrenched in a situation of deferred success.

I bet the Bush administration finds a way to use this phrase within the next 24 hours.

Observation

Love tricks you into wanting to live forever.

I Once...

...saw a lesbian who looked like Christopher Walken, and I was sorely afraid.

...made a hot air balloon out of tissue paper. It never got off the ground. It was an assignment in my eighth grade science class, and my partner was a moron. She kept gluing it shut, not understanding that a hot air balloon needs to stay open. Oddly enough, I stood next to that same girl during the procession at my high school graduation. She was so pregnant, she waddled like a penguin. I thought, "Good luck getting that off the ground."

...heard a calliope tuning up. It was one of the creepiest sounds I have ever heard.

Chuckles

Funniest interjection heard last weekend:

(Uttered with rapid-fire brevity) STOP! Baby in a clam shell.

My Big Interview!

I asked the ever pleasant and effervescent VivaLasVegass to interview me. If you 'd like to play along, here's the skinny:

Here are the instructions:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "Interview me." "Blow me" or "Eat me" are not acceptable substitutes.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different. I'll post the questions in the comments section of this post.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. In your humble opinion, who is the most overrated musician(s) in the past twenty years? Explain yourself.
Oasis. Do I have to explain this? Likening them to the Beatles? It's a fucking joke. Britain, you're reaching, man.

2. If you could have George W. impeached but to do so meant you had to live with your mom and Dave had to go live with his parents, what would you do?
I think we could endure it for a while, but not forever. IMPEACH

3. What is your fave restaurant in the Louisville area and why?
The Mayan Gypsy is by far my favorite because the food is always exquisite, the service is great, and the atmosphere is soothing.

4. Which American city do you most enjoy visiting and why?
I think it's a tie between New Orleans and San Francisco. Both towns are laid back and user friendly. They feel like sisters to Louisville.

5. Which of the seven deadly sins does society the most harm and why do you think so?
Avarice. In the pursuit of bigger and better things, people lose focus on what is truly meaningful. This is what makes it easy for guys like Bush to drop bombs on brown people.

The 20 Q's

Who cares from whenst it came, here’s my answers to the 20 questions.

1. Tell me something obvious about you.
I am pale.

2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
I am a functionally retarded genius.

3. What is your biggest fear?
Physical attack.

4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
Depends on what you consider “safe.”

5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money?
My Pappaw. R.I.P.

6. What is your most treasured possession?
Zola Belle.

7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
Get hatefully irritated for little or no reason.

8. What is your favorite lie to tell?
"Yeah, I’ll go to the gym tonight."

9. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
Snorkeling with my old man.

10. Are you the jealous type?
No.

11. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
Chocolate.

12. What's the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
Loved me.

13. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
Lay the smackdown on some hatin’ motherfuckers.

14. When was the last time you cried?
I think last week during some PBS thing.

15. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
It happens almost daily, for short periods of time. Usually when I’m laughing

16. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
Um, no.

17. Name something embarrassing you did while drunk.
I tend to talk loudly about really inappropriate subjects while drunk, especially in crowded restaurants, with children and elderly folks around.

18. Name one person, past or present, with whom you'd like to spend the day.
Col. J.D. Wilkes.

19. Name one place you've never been and would like to go, and why.
The Galapagos Islands because I am a nerd.

20. What's the story behind your online persona/name?
My screen name in the ancient days of AOL was Radiumcrik. When AOL started letting you have more than one screen name, I added MsHellion. Just cuz. I’ve used it ever since. I am pretty much the same online and off, so there is no persona story.

Monkeys are a Simple People

Very natural folks, they are.

Male Monkeys Pay to See Female Monkey Bottoms.

You think Hef will try to sate this market with some primate Playmates?

Thanks for Making Things Worse, You Fucking Asshole

Nothing ends terrorism like further antagonizing the people already pissed off at you, and then lobbing bombs at innocent people thereby making more people pissed off at you. Brilliant fucking "strategy", Dubya. Mission fucking accomplished.

Four London Blasts Kill 40, Injure 300

By JANE WARDELL, Associated Press

LONDON - Four blasts rocked the London subway and tore open a packed double-decker bus during the morning rush hour Thursday, sending bloodied victims fleeing after what a shaken Prime Minister
Tony Blair called "barbaric" terrorist attacks. At least 40 people were killed and more than 350 wounded.

Two U.S. law enforcement officials said at least 40 people were killed. In London, Deputy Assistant Commissioner Brian Piddick said at least 33 people killed in the subway system alone. He confirmed there were other deaths on the bus but gave no figures. London hospital officials contacted by The Associated Press reported more than 350 wounded.

My sympathies go out to those who have been placed in harm's way by the warring cockmasters and limp-dicked leg humpers who started this whole mess. We'll have to make our own peace, because these guys never will.

Clash of the Titans and Taun-Tauns

One of my favorite movies as a child was Clash of the Titans. I remember the year it came out, I got the Clash of the Titans board game as a door prize at a Christmas party. What a happy, happy day. When I would play the game with my grandma, she would always pronounce the "w" in the word "sword" when she drew the Sword card. I kept telling her that the "w" was silent, but she said, "I see it right there on the card."



My favorite piece of movie paraphernalia, however, was my trusty Taun-Taun from The Empire Strikes Back. I had the regular one, not the split-bellied fellow in which you could stuff your Luke action figure. What was your favorite piece of movie junk as a child?

Arkansas Kan Suck My Cock

Though that be an imaginary cock, the intent is still just as valid.

Thanks for the West Nile and comforter crabs ya backwoods fucktard of a state!

More about my "vacation" to come...