Ahem.

Dipshit.

An Apple A Day Ain't Gonna Cut It

Earlier today, I entered the bathroom at work and it smelled like someone just aborted a rancid calf. Let me tell you something, people. If your body ever ejects a product what smells of aborted rancid calf, go to the doctor immediately. You don't need to be among the living, and may, in fact, already be dead. Common courtesy is all I ask.

Today I was given a Christmas gift that lights up and flashes. It is an angel pin with little LEDs in it. I plan to burn it during a Christmas night bad gift burning ceremony. Bring your tacky plastic crap and let's burn some shit.

That is all.

The reflex is a lonley child who's waiting by the park

"The Chauffeur" is by far the weirdest of the Duran Duran repetoire. Unlike the other songs, which mostly involve the nearness of some line - be it a danger line, love line, passion line, fashion line, or whatever - and the hot chick that is about to cross it, "The Chauffeur" is more like the keyboardist wrote some creepy little riff after watching Friday the 13th and they just ran with it. Way to be progressive, fellas.

So what's with the motherfuckers who insist on reading your shirt to you? I know what my shirt says, so what are you trying to accomplish? Do you want to be my friend? Are you praticing for the GED? This happened to me and my old man in separate instances yesterday. Is this just a southern phenomenon? Usually when I go up North, I don't wear clothing with words on it for fear of drawing attention to myself. Please enlighten me.

For all you bastards who say you are sorry for something you are about to do and then do it anyway - You are liars! If you were truly sorry, you wouldn't do the dumbass thing you have on deck. Apologizing in advance only makes you a liar on top of being an asshole. The only time apologizing in advance is okay is when you have to shoot Old Yeller because he's rabid. Other than that, no dice! Sorry boy!

Today I was given a knitted finger-puppet monkey. He is cute. His name is Joaquin.

That is all.

Carry the News

Since I have been a fruitless, boring, lazy ass of a poster lately, here's a little ditty swiped from the blog of esteemed pal o' mine, Todd.

3 names I go by:
Alisha
Michelle
Bitch

-3 screen names I have:
MsHellion (that's all I've ever been for the past 10 years.)

-3 physical things I like about myself:
I breathe.
I pee with ease.
I have a cute nose.

-3 physical things I dislike about myself:
There is more of me than I need.
I cannot fly.
I cannot pee standing up.

-3 parts of my heritage:
Cherokee
Irish
German

-3 of my everyday essentials:
The word, "Fuck."
The news.
Again with the peeing.

-3 of my favorite musicians:
Kurt Cobain
Josh Homme
W.A. Mozart

-3 of my favorite songs:
House of the Rising Sun - The Animals
Lounge Act - Nirvana
Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven

-3 things that scare me:
Running over a pedestrian.
Teenagers.
More teenagers.

-3 things I want in a relationship:
Humor.
Honesty.
Kindness.
(Todd nailed it! Not me, the answers.)

-3 lies I tell:
"Wow, that's pretty."
"I'm not mad."
"No, I don't mind at all."

-3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
Intellect.
Eyes.
Smile.

-3 of my hobbies:
Music.
Art.
My house.

-3 things I really want to do right now with a special someone:
Fly to Spain.
Drink copius amounts of red wine.
Laugh and talk and fall into bed. No kids around!

-3 careers I've considered:
Advertising.
Marketing.
Stripping.

-3 places I'd like to go on vacation:
Spain.
Mexico.
New Zealand.

-3 kids names I like:
Story.
Rosalie.
Fuck Off.

-3 things I'd like to do before I die:
Look good in a bikini without having cancer or an eating disorder.
Visit every continent, except Antarctica.
Paint a beautiful painting.

-3 ways I'm a stereotypical guy:
I love the NFL.
I fart.
I laugh at slapstick.

-3 ways I'm a stereotypical girl:
I get righteously pissed with little or no warning.
I menstruate.
I do love shoes.

I Saw My Penis Lying On A Blanket

Not sure what to get that world-weary Liberal in your life for x-mas?

Try this.