My So Called Life

Didja ever come across a fart so bad it smelled like a grease fire in Bangkok?
Well I have.

Didja ever see a drunk guy beat a German Shepherd with a yellow plastic Easter bucket?
Well I have.

Didja ever stuff a small rubber dolphin with cotton balls to try to win the “smallest doll” competition at your elementary school?
Well I have.

Didja ever find an eyelash and wish you would win a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, and then have that wish come true?
Well I have.

Didja ever have to pull a string out of a cat’s ass?
Well I have.

Didja ever barf in a Kresge’s?
Well I have.

Didja ever get a paddling in third grade for yelling, “FUCK,” when your pencil broke off in the pencil sharpener?
Well I have.

Didja ever punch a boy in the stomach so hard at an elementary school Valentine’s Day party that he threw up his kool-aid and cookies?
Well I have.

Didja ever go on Wheel of Fortune and win $100k?
Me neither.

You're Frickin' Ozzum!

Sphynx cats and kittens are as mystical as the land of Oz.

I discovered this on one of my flu days. I have no idea how I got here, but it seemed like a life transforming experience. Turns out, I just had to poop.

I have a new God

Darth Tater!
Originally uploaded by mshellion.

I'm Unitarian. I can worship what I want!

Behold!

Neko Case Gave Me the Flu

But it was worth it.

Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom kicked ass.

I recently passed a guy who smelled like a pipe bomb in a slaughterhouse. I found this description to be so good, I hope to use it again in the near future.

Sometimes I dream that I am a guy. I also dream that I am a critter.

Critter.

I had a Monchichi. Its thumb wouldn't stay in its mouth.

I used to really like Unicorns. I drew them often. At the age of 21, I received a ceramic unicorn as a xmas gift. In order to enjoy the gift, I threw it off a bridge with the aid of an unnamed accomplice. Watching it shatter was pleasant. Much more enjoyable than dusting the fucker.

Dusting the fucker.

Did the "A" in the A Team stand for anything? Did the "V" in V mean anything? V had a creepy theme song. Reminds me of Dick Cheney.

Visitors?

My vision is blurry now. bye bye!

The Angels are Topless and the Ether is Free

Last night, beloved icon, journalist, radical, and hometown boy Hunter S. Thompson took his own life. Thanks for all the insight, colorful phrasing, and the visions of bats my hubby gets whenever he takes codeine. You lived your life as you pleased, and had every right to die the same way. We'll miss you, you heartless bastard!

I look like a Japanese rock star

Last night, I got a hairstyle not of my choosing. In fact, it was chosen for me in advance by my friend Heather and her sister, my stylist, Holly. They had my whole style planned out, that included bleaching me blonde, which I protested and was able to avoid. The cut, however, was going to happen whether I liked it or not.

I guess it’s my fault for not going in there with a plan, so I can’t complain too much. Basically, I got what Holly called a “shaggy razor cut that is so hot!” This translates into using a razor to remove about ten pounds of hair, and then replacing it with ten pounds of product to create this wispy, edgy, layered, bed head, poofy madness that looks like a cross between Pat Benetar and those androgynous little Indie rock boys who go to shows just to “be seen.” It is very, very Japanese rock star.

Of course, Heather had to have lunch with me today to view her co-creation. Upon seeing me, she exclaimed, “Oh my God! You look so much thinner!” Granted, it is nice to be told that, but honestly, I have never really been all that concerned with the fatness of my head. I have never had to squeeze my head into a pair of cute jeans or a sweet swimsuit. I am resigned to the fact that I have a basketball head. Now, said basketball is turning Japanese.

So, my peoples, if you see a Japanese rock star walking around with a hillbilly accent and a big ol’ booty, feel free to say “Hi,” because it’s most likely yours truly. If you are nice, maybe I will to being rocking it out for my United States friends for you. Oh yeah!

Stuff to Entertain Whilst I Finish a Real Post

If you have been lucky enough to hear my theory about goat-fucking, then you know this heart is well intended.


Yep. 

As for this, I have to admit I just love a good Thunderdome reference.


Churcherdome!