My So Called Life

Didja ever come across a fart so bad it smelled like a grease fire in Bangkok?
Well I have.

Didja ever see a drunk guy beat a German Shepherd with a yellow plastic Easter bucket?
Well I have.

Didja ever stuff a small rubber dolphin with cotton balls to try to win the “smallest doll” competition at your elementary school?
Well I have.

Didja ever find an eyelash and wish you would win a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, and then have that wish come true?
Well I have.

Didja ever have to pull a string out of a cat’s ass?
Well I have.

Didja ever barf in a Kresge’s?
Well I have.

Didja ever get a paddling in third grade for yelling, “FUCK,” when your pencil broke off in the pencil sharpener?
Well I have.

Didja ever punch a boy in the stomach so hard at an elementary school Valentine’s Day party that he threw up his kool-aid and cookies?
Well I have.

Didja ever go on Wheel of Fortune and win $100k?
Me neither.