Happy Trails

Barbaro was not a magical unicorn who ate pollution and shit world peace, so just get over it.

My life as a truck

Right now, in the back of the cab of my truck are the following items:

3 Full face donkey masks,
2 Santa suits,
1 Over-sized desk calendar from 2000 featuring aboriginal art from ancient cultures spanning the globe,
1 umbrella,
1 license plate,
and a yoga mat.

What kind of life am I living?

Just so you know

If I try to knock you down, it's only because I love you.

You know you’re a derby girl when…

1. Your pants are suddenly a little snug in the butt and thighs.

2. You’re very proud of your bruises and show them off to all of your friends and co-workers while they stare at you and wonder if they should intervene – the nastier the better.

3. The worst part of practice is taking off your skates.

4. People call you by your skate name as much as your real name.

5. You think your skate name is your real name – you identify yourself by your skate name upon meeting professional contacts.

6. The thought of skating at top speeds and falling doesn’t scare you anymore.

7. You find yourself drawn to hosiery departments.

8. www.sock-dreams.com is one of your favorite websites.

9. You are constantly thinking of places to go skate: clubs/parks/etc.

10. You hip check your friends to say hello, and they are suddenly scared of you.

11. You find yourself discussing how roller skates and guitars are equally hot accessories.

12. You find yourself worrying that you are not eating enough carbohydrates rather than less carbohydrates.

13. You know everyone’s skate names on other teams but may never know their real names.

14. Something is making your house stink, and you realize that your wrist guards escaped from you equipment bag.

15. You consider your skates to be your favorite pair of shoes.

16. When you’re actually sad is when you don’t have any bruises to show your friends.

17. When you have to restrain yourself from body-checking the ladies in the grocery store.

18. When you’re driving down the road, looking over your shoulder at the cars coming up instead of using the mirrors.

19. When you are driving and see a cop, you see them as a pivot.

20. When you body-check the vending machine repeatedly until it gives you your freak’n chips.

21. You quit your job because it doesn’t coincide with your practice schedule

22. 8 hours of practice a week justifies this double bacon cheeseburger – or cake!

23. You spent your phone bill money on new wheels

24. You run into your teammates at the mall and try to introduce them to your friends, and don’t know which name to use. Try being at lunch with your boss, seeing your teammate and not even knowing their real name. “Sir, this is my friend Toxic Spill”

25. You forget you once pushed doors opened with your hands. Show that door no mercy!!!

26. You want your name on the back of all of your clothes.

27. You helped break a girl’s leg and instead of pressing charges she still hugs you when she sees you!

28. You spend too much time on MySpace talking about how you know you when you are a derby girl.

29. To quote Heidi Ho, “It’s all fun and games till my ankle gets broken…then it’s derby”

30. You walk around feeling 8’4” when you’re only above 5’ tall.

31. You feel like if you met someone in the street you could kick their ass badly.

32. You’re done with practice and all you can smell are pads.

33. When you hear hotwheels say “dixie” n’ she answers with “hotwheels.” (I don’t get it either…)

34. When you kick your friend’s ass then ask them out for a beer after you kill them.

35. On the track, the words “I’m sorry” become non-existent in your vocabulary.

36. You want to yell and scream in excitement when you plant someone to the floor.

37. To prepare for the game, you practice your checking by running into the door or wall of your house.

38. When you decide that beating yourself up on roller skates was the best thing you’ve ever done.

39. Even if you don’t have any tattoos and never wanted any before, you do now.

40. When you take your socks out of your skate bag and they stand straight up.

41. Your boss sits you down with your e-mail log and explains you send approximately 75 more derby e-mails than work e-mails.

42. When you dream, your legs twitch and wake you up. You realize you’re dreaming of a scrimmage and fall back asleep as quickly as possible.

43. You start to have conversations, on and off the rink, with your mouthguard in.

44. You dream of whipping and pushing people, and it has nothing to do with S&M.

45. First pair of panties, first pair of socks, fishnets, second pair of panties, second pair of socks, first sports bra, rib brace and tape, second sports bra, skirt, jersey, arm socks, knee pads and tape, elbow pads and tape, skates, bandana, wrist guards, helmet…

46. You wish everyone who annoyed you was on skates so you could hit them and not be held accountable.

47. It doesn’t matter how bad your ribs hurt, you wanna be Queen of the Rink! That’s why they make vicodin…

48. When someone asks what you do you say roller derby, then mention your job as an after thought.

49. When someone pisses you off, you’re actually pleased cause you can think of them during your next bout.

50. You find yourself being extra careful OFF skates. God forbid you break something falling down the stairs drunk and can’t skate!

51. You can’t make it through a party without wrestling at least three other people.

52. When boys won’t date you because they are afraid of you.

53. You justify drinking all of that beer by going to practice.

54. You’re not ashamed of heading to the bar with helmet hair, B.O. and sweats that are most likely still wet from sweat.

55. It’s all fun and games until someone’s ankle gets broken – then it’s derby!

56. You consider legally changing your name to your derby name.

57. Your cellphone is filled with names like “Red Dragon,” “Kitty Karnage” and “Count Smacula.”

58. The idea of a pillow fight takes on a whole new level.

59. When your standing at a party/bar/on the rink and someone grabs your ass/titties and it doesn’t even phase you – you already know it’s just another derby girl.

60. When your favorite bartender knows you only by your skate name.

61. You find derby as a perfect outlet for your exhibitionist tendencies.

62. When you ditch out of work early to drink with fellow derby girls.

63. You’re psyched that one of the new girls kicked your ass.

64. Your boyfriend thinks your nasty mouthguard soaking in Listerine is hot.

65. Most of your MySpace top 8 are teammates.

66. When you can play an elaborate game of connect the dots with all of the bruises on your legs and the rest of your body for that matter.

67. When other girls pay you to kiss their boyfriends.

68. When suddenly you realize it’s actually working out and your legs have never looked better so you find yourself randomly flexing and looking at your legs.

69. You find great pleasure in the fact anything derby is on Radio or TV…ex. Viva La Bam and deodorant make you smile.

70. Everything in your life is slowly starting to become in some way or another a competition…again ex. a blog about derby…who can top the other.

71. When you’re out and about with your boyfriend and everyone is giving him dirty looks – thinking he beats you – when it fact it’s 20 other women giving you those bruises.

72. You’re no longer weirded out by having sweat stains on your knees.

73. The hillbilly no-teeth look that your colored mouthguard gives you no longer embarrasses you.

74. You actually drive two hours and pay a visiting coach to make you hurt so bad you can’t walk normally for the next week.

75. You see more of your teammates’ asses than your own.

76. Girl-on-girl groping and kissing are no longer exotic, but just a typical Tuesday night.

77. You’ve never put more thought into shoelace colors in your life.

78. You’ve actually considered taking your skates to a shoeshine stand.

79. The idea of butting someone with your breasts isn’t odd – it’s perfectly legal!

80. New scars on your shins are a badge of honor.

81. You buy Aleve in 500 count bottles.

82. You can do more push-ups than your boyfriend.

83. You put your derby name on your nametag at work and people know exactly who you are…and ask you how to get tickets to the next bout!!

84. It takes you 10 minutes to decide what color water bottle, backpack, purse, shoes, jacket, necklace, bracelet, nail polish, etc. you want to buy, and you won’t DARE buy anything that’s another team’s colors in your league.

85. You find yourself buying anything with your team logo on it, even if it’s something you would have never bought before you joined roller derby (wrist bands, hats, leg warmers, etc.)

86. You consult your derby/practice schedule to make plans before your school/work schedule.

87. You find this starting phrase in your vocabulary more often than not “Dude, at practice this week…”

88. You’ve never spray-painted so many things in your life.

89. You’ve found a group of girls you actually LIKE.

90. You accidentally dislocate your boyfriend’s shoulder during sex.

91. You meet someone at a party and they know a girl on another team, but neither of you can figure out who the hell she is cause he doesn’t know her skate name and you don’t know her real name.

Ache

Children of Men is one of the BEST films I have ever seen. It tore my heart to shreds, and I still can't talk about it. I got so upset, I became nauseous. It is the most moving film produced in years. Please see it.

I can't help it.

This is funny.

Where I've Been and Where I'm Going

A few of my esteemed blogfriends have compiled a list of cities they visited in 2006. I will now do the same, and cap off the whole affair with a resolution or two.

Kentucky
Louisville (obviously)
Lexington
Corbin
Barbourville
Cave City

Indiana
Clarksville

Tennessee
Nashville
Knoxville

Ohio
Cincinnati
Dayton
Fairborn

Pennsylvania
Pittsburgh

Alabama
Birmingham

Cozumel
San Miguel

Texas
Marble Falls
Austin
San Antonio
La Vernia

Massachusetts
Boston

And now, the resolutions:
Resolution 07-01: No more McDonald's. It's crap food, and I only end up eating it due to poor planning on my part. No more, I tell you.

Resolution 07-02: I resolve to do some sort of exercise everyday in order to benefit my roller derby game. Apparently, vanity doesn't motivate me like it used to, as I have been fat and not doing much about it for some time. Avoiding injury, and being a kickass rollergirl are motives I find energizing. Ask me at any time what exercise I did the day before, and I will always have an answer.

Resolution 07-03: I resolve to go see Spamalot.

That is all.

Welcome to the Future!

Happy 2007, ya'll. I hope your New Year's Eve was as delightful as mine!