Goddamn!

This is the WEIRDEST Dear Abby letter I have ever seen. What in the hell?!

DEAR ABBY: My precious Mitzy went to the neighbor's house to socialize. She primped for nearly two hours, and even though she is of humble breeding, I thought she looked stunning. But when she pranced over to see Adonis, he ignored her! She swayed her hips to entice him, but finally became discouraged and returned home. I held her in my lap to soothe her and gave her a bowl of warm milk.

Later that week, Adonis' master came calling and ordered me to "Keep that tawdry Mitzy away from my fine Adonis!" I politely replied that my Mitzy would be a marvelous catch for his Adonis, and I am encouraging the relationship.

How can I protect Mitzy's heart? Did I do the right thing? -- LOVER OF LOVE

DEAR LOVER OF LOVE: No, you did not. You may be a lover of love, but if you're wise you'll spay your cat and protect her from contracting a feline social disease. That is obviously what Adonis' owner has done, or Adonis would have succumbed to Mitzy's attempt at seduction.